


Sunflowers and Sadness

by inexcuseably_queer_phan0407



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Fluff, Domestic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Gay Dan Howell, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inexcuseably_queer_phan0407/pseuds/inexcuseably_queer_phan0407
Summary: Elodie has never been part of the "phandom" and hates Dan and Phil objectively purely because they are popular, but her life is flipped upside down when she is adopted by them.TW for self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression etc. There will be trigger warnings for everything that comes up at the start of each chapter.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Sunflowers and Sadness

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so I started watching Dan and Phil videos just over a year ago but I've never really posted anything to do with them but I've written fanfiction in the past so figured it'd be fun to give this a go.
> 
> I will put a couple of lines to a song that I feel represents the theme of the chapter at the start of each chapter, so feel free to listen to it whilst reading. I hope you enjoy xx
> 
> Trigger warning for this chapter: self harm and suicidal thoughts.

**There is a new kind of poison and starting to spread**

**No one knows what goes on up inside my head**

**\- Antidote (Faith Marie)**

**Elodie’s POV**

“There’s some exciting news today,” Lewis, one of the social workers at my care home announces as I begin peeling a banana, wrinkling my nose up in disgust as I see that it is squishy and covered in bruises. Losing my appetite, I stand up and go to chuck it in the bin but Lewis stops me. “Sit down Elodie, we have some news everyone needs to hear.” I roll my eyes. I already know what the news is. There will be someone coming to look round the care home for someone to adopt and they’ll pick some cut little kid.

It won’t be me though. It never is. I’m too old. They want someone young. They don’t want some fourteen year old. When my parents left, three years ago and I ended up in the system, I had hope that someone might want me, but as the years have passed I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am unwanted. I’ll be in the system til my 18th birthday and then I’ll be tossed out on the streets. 

“Do I-” I begin.

“Yes,” Lewis glared at me and I decided that it’ll just be easier to sit. It’ll only take a few minutes for him to announce it and then I’ll be able to leave and return to my room. 

“Hey that’s my mug, get off loser,” I roll my eyes as I sit back down in the half broken plastic chair around the kitchen table. This happens every single day. Everyone here is obsessed with some Youtubers and Yasmin has a mug that is their merch and Freya tries to use it every single morning. 

“Freya, give the mug back,” Lewis yelled above all the shouting and chaos. “Anyway, like I was saying, we have a couple coming today and they are looking to adopt. They’ve not decided how old a child they want so they want to meet everyone. I want everyone to be on their best behaviour, it might be your lucky day.” He says, trying to sound positive. I know that it won’t be me though. I’ve met too many potential parents to get my hopes up. Lewis nods at me, letting me know that I am allowed to leave. 

I stand up and leave, going to my room. I say my room, I have to share it with Yasmin. She fills her walls with Youtube merch. Some guys called Dan and Phil. Everyone seems obsessed with them. Which is exactly why I’m not. I don’t want to be like everyone else so if everyone does one thing, I make sure to do the exact opposite. While Yasmin likes spending her time obsessing over those two, trying to figure out if they are a couple and reading fanfiction, I normally just stay curled up in bed reading. Fictional worlds are better than the real world. They help me forget that I’m actually in this crappy care home because my parents decided that they couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. 

* * *

I don’t really pay much attention as Yasmin sits by the window, waiting for the couple to arrive. “Oh my god,” She squeals suddenly, pulling me out of the world of Harry Potter. “Am I dreaming?” 

“What?” I ask, but she doesn't reply, she just runs downstairs, presumably wanting to greet the couple. I get up and look out of the window to see two tall guys walking up the drive. They look vaguely familiar and it clicks as I walk back to my bed. I stare at the poster above Yasmin’s bed. Oh. That’s why she was so excited.

I curse myself for wanting to be different. The couple looking to adopt are Dan and Phil and they’re not going to want someone that has no idea who they are. Not when there’s a bunch of kids here that are massive fans. I sigh, suddenly annoyed at myself. 

A thought enters my head and I try to push it out. There’s no point. When the voice comes, there’s no saying no. I always lose. I’m a fuckup and the voice is just there to remind me. I go into one of my drawers and pull out a blade. I broke it off from a razor about a year ago. I first started cutting myself about a year ago. It started when I was shaving and I cut myself. I realised that when I concentrated on the physical pain of it, my mind didn’t work so hard. It was a release. Sometimes I cut just when I’m feeling down. Sometimes the voice comes. It’s been visiting more and more recently. I deserve it though. If I wasn’t such a failure my parents would love me and I wouldn’t even be here.

Slipping the blade up my sleeve, I walk into the bathroom. I take it out once more and yank my sleeve up to reveal an array of angry scars and scabs on my wrist. Wincing as I do so, I drag the blade along one of the more recent scars, digging in until I see blood through the blur of tears running down my face. Again and again I drag the blade across my skin. The pain gives me a distraction. The voice in my head is finally silent. 

“Um hi, are you okay?” There’s an unfamiliar voice at the door, accompanied with a small knock. Shit. I must’ve been longer than I thought.

“Yeah,” I reply, my voice high. “I’ll be out in a sec.” I quickly flush the toilet and wash the blood down the sink before slipping the blade back up my shirt and leaving. I come out to see Dan or Phil standing in front of me. Don’t ask me which one it is, I’ve got no clue. 

“Oh hi,” He smiles at me brightly.

“Hey,” I say quietly, hoping that I can just step past him and escape to my room. 

“I don’t think I’ve met you downstairs,” He says. “I’m Phil.” I guess that answers that then. 

“Elodie,” I reply.

“Are you okay?” He asks me, looking concerned.

“Um, yeah,” I reply stumbling over my words, desperately wanting to run back to my room. “I’m fine.”

“It’s just cos it looks like you’ve got blood on your shirt,” I look down and see that he is right. Crap. 

“Oh, um,” I stammer, trying to think of something - anything - to say. “It’s that time of month.” I blurt out. “Yeah, that was why I took so long, sorry.” Phil doesn’t look 100% convinced, but he shrugs. 

“I’ll see you downstairs then,” He smiles.

“Oh… I wasn’t planning on…” I mumble, not wanting to seem rude. Phil continues smiling. 

“Don’t worry, I’m an introvert too. I’m only there for the biscuits. They even have chocolate ones,” He tells me and I smile slightly. 

“I guess I could drop in for a few minutes,” I shrug.

“I’ll see ya in a couple of minutes then,” He says, going into the toilet. I heave a sigh of relief, but decide maybe I should go downstairs. If for know other reason than being able to tell people at school that I had met their idols. I make a quick detour to my room to put the blade back in and change my sweater so I don’t have a bloodstain and head downstairs. As soon as I walk into the living room I see everyone crowding round Dan. I see that Freya has managed to snag the seat next to him. They are all fawning around him though. 

I go to sit down but Yasmin scowls at me. “What are you doing here? You don’t even like them.” She snarls at me. It seems that Lewis has gone out the room for a few minutes and even if he wasn’t, I doubt that he’d do much. I decide it’s not worth it. Besides out of everyone here, I’m the least likely person to be adopted by Dan and Phil. I just turn round and leave, going back to the book that had been abandoned on my bed.

I don’t know how long passses before there is a knock on my door, but it rudely pulls me from my book. It is a pleasant surprise though. Most people just barge in. I drag myself out of bed and open the door. To my surprise Dan and Phil are standing there. “Um hi,” I say awkwardly, unsure why they are here. 

“Could we come in?” Phil asks, and I nod, stepping back so that they can come in. 

“Sorry it’s a bit of a tip,” I say, kicking some clothes under my bed. “And my roommate's a bit of a fangirl.” I say nodding at the merch scattered across the room. Phil chuckled slightly.

“We just wanted to get to know you more, without everyone there,” Phil begins. Confusion sweeps over me. Why would they want to talk to me? Surely they want someone that they already know would get on with them? Dan must see my confusion and explains.

“They’re all really nice, but we don’t really want a kid that worships us because of who we are,” He tells me. “And you’re the only person that’s not asked for a selfie.” I shrug at that.

“If I’m being honest you guys kinda annoy me cos everyone is always obsessing over you,” I admit and they both laugh. 

“If you don’t want us, that’s fine,” Phil says. “But I just got this feeling about you.”

“It’s Elodie isn’t it?” Dan asks and I nod. “Elodie, to be honest, you’re the only person in here that we would consider adopting because the others all just spent the last few hours fangirling and fanboying around us, and honestly I think what’s her name, Tasmin?”

“Yasmin,” I correct before he continues.

“Yeah, her, she was so rude to you earlier. I should’ve said it then, but it made me realise I couldn’t imagine adopting anyone like that.” He tells me. “Besides,” He nods to the Harry Potter book sitting beside me. “You have great taste.” I smile at that.

“Thanks,” I reply, not knowing what to say. Dan and Phil exchange a look and Phil gives Dan a slight nod before talking.

“We were thinking that it might be easier to get to know each other if we have a day out together or something,” Phil begins. “Obviously the adoption process is long and complicated, but we think that it could work with you. There has to be a trial period before we can adopt you and we have to do a certain amount of visitation before we’re allowed and we don’t really know each other.”

“But would you like us to take you out for a day?” Dan asks me and butterflies explode in my stomach. Is this really happening? They are really considering adopting me? I mean it’s just a day out. I can hardly believe it. They are considering me!

“I- I’d love it,” I stammer. “My social worker would have to approve it and sort it all out, but I’d love to. I’ve never had anyone even consider adopting me before.” I admit. 

“Well we’d love to get to know you more,” Phil smiles at me and Dan nods in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who left me kudos, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. To the person who commented, asking about an update schedule, I'm going to try to upload every 1-2 weeks but no promises because I can get very busy.
> 
> I forgot to say last chapter, but there will be different POVs in the story, at this stage I can't really see it being written in a POV other than Elodie, Dan or Phil's, but it might happen and I will always say who's POV it is at the start of the chapter. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

_**So never feel alone** _

_**You are home with me** _

_**~Where you Belong (Kari Kimmel)** _

**Phil’s POV**

“Come on Dan,” I yell, remembering to pick up my keys. “We’re gonna be late.”

“It’s not my fault someone was hogging the bathroom,” He grumbled, walking into the room, giving me a slight glare. I shrug before giving him a quick peck on the lips. 

  
“I have to wee when I’m nervous,” I protest. “And I’m nervous about this. I don’t want to screw it up.”

“Me neither,” Dan admits, opening the front door for me. “But Elodie seems really nice.”

“It’s taken us so long as well,” I add.

“Patience is a virtue,” Dan says in an annoyingly sing-songy voice. This time it’s my turn to glare at him.

“That’s not what you were saying last night,” I mutter and he laughs. “Or when you were waiting for the final episode of Game of Thrones.”

“Shut up,” He says, pretending to shove me down the stairs, but he pulls me back at the last second. It’s been a week since we met Elodie and we’ve arranged to take her out around London for the day. If all goes well, we’ll take her out next weekend too. 

* * *

“Morning Elodie,” I smile as she opens the door to us. 

“Hey,” She smiles, before turning back into the hallway. “Lewis they’re here.” She yells and a few seconds later her social worker appears. 

“Heya,” He smiles. “She has to be back by four, those are just the rules.” He reminds us.

“Of course,” Dan replies. “We know.”

“Have fun then Elodie,” He says as she steps outside. 

“What’s the plan for today then?” She asks us, looking between me and Dan nervously. 

  
“We thought we’d let you decide,” Dan told her. “Is there anything that you want to do?” Elodie paused and thought for a moment before she smiled, as if she had thought of something, but then she shook her head. 

“I don’t know,” She said quietly. 

“Are you sure?” Phil asked. “We can do whatever you want…. Well we can’t go to the moon, I don’t think we’d be back by four if we did that.” Elodie laughed at that.

“Well… I have…” She began before shaking her head again. “No, it’s dumb.” Dan put his hand on her shoulder.

“You are not dumb. I don’t want you to say that again,” He told her, and I smile at how naturally parenting has come to him.

“Well, I’ve always wanted to see the river,” She admits. “I see it on TV so much and I watch the fireworks on New Years every year and it looks awesome… the care home is too far out from the city centre for me to ever be able to go though.”

“Well we’ll go to the Thames then,” I smile. “There’s a tube station not far from here, it shouldn’t take us too long til we get there.” A wide smile appears on her face, filling me with joy and the three of us begin walking down the street. “So how’s school been this week?” I ask, trying to start a conversation with Elodie.

* * *

“Here, sit there,” I watch as Dan points to the only seat in the carriage that was free. “We’ll be standing here.” He tells Elodie, who nods, squishing in amongst the other tube passengers.

“I just had a quick Google,” I say quietly to Dan, passing him my phone. “Do you think she’d enjoy it?”

“Book it,” Dan nodded. “From her files it doesn’t sound like she’s had it easy. We can at least give her a good time.” I nod tapping to book three tickets.

“Damnit,” I mutter as the train jolts along. “I’ve lost my signal now. I’ll have to do it when we get off.” 

“I really think this is going to work out,” Dan smiles at me and I have to stop myself from leaning in to kiss him. God I love him. We’re in public though and both of us have agreed that it’s easiest to keep our relationship private. The world knows that we’re gay and Dan mentioned in his coming out video that we have been together romantically in the past, but we don’t want our relationship public. We’re both private people and we don’t want people just discussing every aspect of our private life.

“So do I,” I say, returning the smile. The train suddenly jolts to stop, taking me off guard and I let go of the pole that I had been clinging to and fall into Dan, pushing him against the door. He helps me back up, making sure I am fine before smirking. “Shut up.” I mutter as he laughs.

  
“You’re just swooning before me,” He laughed.

“Watch it, or I’ll shove your head in the tube door,” I threaten nodding to the open tube doors opposite us. If looks could kill, I would be fading out of existence right now. “You love me really.” I laugh and as I begin batting my lashes at him jokingly a smile wipes the glare from his face.

“You’re lucky that I do Phil Lester,” He says. “Otherwise I would’ve killed you a long time ago.” 

“No you wouldn’t,” I protest. “I was your Youtube senpai.” Dan rolled his eyes, before checking how many stops left. 

“We get off at the next one,” He informs me. He’s always the one that figures out what way to go on the tube. I just find the squiggle of colours and lines on tube maps like a confusing mess of a child’s colouring. “Elodie, next stops ours.” He says a bit louder this time.

In the next few minutes ensued the mad dash to get out of the tube doors whilst pushing past everyone, the panic of looking round to make sure Elodie was off and then getting my oyster card ready so I won’t hold everyone up at the barrier. 

“Hey Elodie, did you know that Dan once fell up an escalator?” I smirked as we stepped onto the escalator. “Ow.” I yelp feeling a hard flick to the back of my head, I turn away from Elodie who is laughing on the step below me and look at Dan who is on the step above me grinning down at me. I rub the back of my head, doing my best puppy eyes on Dan in an attempt to make him feel guilty. Nothing. 

“Not gonna work,” He says, as we reach the top of the escalators. “Hey, who fancies a starbucks before we go to the river?” I check my watch. We have just enough time for a starbucks before we need to get to the river. 

  
“I can hear a pumpkin spiced latte with my name on it,” I say, grinning at the thought of having my first pumpkin spiced treat of the autumnal season. 

“What does pumpkin spice taste like?” Elodie asks, walking in between me and Dan. We look at each other and down at her in shock. “What?” She asks. “I’ve never had it. The most exciting hot drinks get at the care home is at Christmas when we get cream on our hot chocolates.”

“Well you’re about to lose your pumpkin spice virginity,” I tell her, without really thinking about how it sounded out loud. “It is the most amazing thing on planet earth.”

“Phil did you actually tell a 14 year old that you are going to make them lose their virginity?” Dan stops in disbelief at my words giving me his look. It’s the look that he always gives me when I say something without thinking. Elodie laughs at this and I smile sheepishly at him.

“Can I really have a pumpkin spice latte?” Elodie asks excitedly.

“If that’s what you want,” Dan replies smiling at her. “I think I’m gonna go for a hot chocolate.”

“I’ve never been allowed coffee before,” Elodie tells us.

“I can’t survive without coffee,” I sigh. “A life without coffee is not a life worth living.” 

“Well we’ll soon rectify the situation,” Dan assures Elodie. “Though if you’ve never had coffee it might be an idea to get a decaf one so you aren’t bouncing off the walls the whole day.”

* * *

“Want anything to eat?” Dan asks Elodie as I scan the array of sweet treats on offer before deciding on the coffee and walnut cake. She shook her head. 

“No thank you, I’m good,” She says.

“Have a big breakfast?” I ask her and she shrugs, not responding. I look at Dan, unsure of whether I should push it or not, but he shakes his head. 

“Why don’t you two get a table, and I’ll bring the drinks over,” I offer, pulling my wallet out of my pocket. Dan quickly tells me what he wants and he and Elodie go to snag a window table. 

“I watched a few of your videos,” I hear Elodie say a few minutes later as I plonk the tray of drinks on the table, almost spilling all of them. 

“Oh god,” Dan mutters in response to Elodie. “And now you know we’re utter weirdos. I thought we’d have a bit more time before you hit that realisation.”

“I thought they were actually pretty funny,” Elodie says before taking her first sip. “Oh my god this is amazing.” She closes her eyes and sighs in appreciation of her pumpkin spice latte.

“Just like me,” I joke and Dan rolls his eyes. “So we actually planned a little surprise when we were on the tube.” I say and Elodie opens her eyes, looking between me and Phil, almost as if shocked that anyone would plan a surprise for her. 

“How would you like to go on a speedboat down the Thames?” Dan asked and her eyes widened in excitement.

“Really?” She squeaked, before calming down slightly. “I mean, are you sure? It’s probably a lot of money and you don’t really know m-”

“Elodie, if it makes you happy, it makes us happy,” Dan says and I nod in agreement. She puts her latte down and leaps off her chair, flinging herself onto me in a hug. I wrap my arms around her smiling. I’m so glad that we’ve all bonded so well. It’s weird to think that it was only a week ago that we met her. From the bony arms enveloping me, I think that Elodie feels the same way. As Elodie turns to Dan, wrapping her arms around him, I can tell that he is also pleased by the display of physical affection. 

  
Seeing the smile on Dan’s face makes me smile even wider. I’m so happy that he’s finally happy. I remember when I first met him, over ten years ago now, he was a completely different person. He was depressed and hated himself, constantly trying to seek validation and now here he is becoming a father. 

I shake myself from the thoughts of the past as I hear a squeal from behind me. “Oh my God! It’s Dan and Phil!” I see the panic flood Dan’s eyes as Elodie lets go of him and he stares in the direction of the squeal. A girl that looks about eleven is standing a few feet away. 

“Hi,” I wave quickly. Neither Dan or I want people to know that we are dating and going through the adoption process. “Do you want a photo with me and Dan?” I ask. “We’re looking after a friend’s kid so we can’t chat for long, sorry.” I heave a sigh of relief as she pulls out a phone, clearly believing this excuse of why we have a random teenager with us. Dan quickly comes over and it’s not long before we are saying goodbye and sitting back down.

“Sorry about that,” Dan apologises to Elodie. “We don’t want to lie about you but for the time being it’s easier if the fans know nothing about you.”

“I’m not sure how long that’s gonna work,” Elodie tells us. “Some of the kids at the care home are threatening to tell people at school that you came looking to adopt.” My heart sinks in my chest. Dan and I had hoped that we’d be able to keep this all under wraps for a few months at least. Dan groans slightly which makes me worry even more. Part of the reason why Dan had become so depressed was because our fans were digging into our personal life so much. He completely closed himself up to the outside world, including me and it’s taken years of therapy to break his walls down. 

“I’m sure we can figure something out,” I say to Dan, trying to sound more confident than I felt.

“I hope so,” He says, and I can already see him beginning to close up to me again, the smile that had been on his face minutes earlier had gone. My brain begins whirring and I turn to Elodie.

“How easily do you think that they can be bribed? If we were to donate a couple of switches and a load of our merch do you think they’d be willing to keep their traps shut?” I ask. Elodie shrugs.

“Maybe, I don’t really know them that well. I’m a bit of a loner there, but they might. They’re always complaining that they never have anything decent.” She replies. I give Dan’s hand a quick squeeze, trying to reassure him, but he pulls away.

“Not in public,” He says and I smile sadly across at him. I wish this was easier, but we both knew that it would always be tricky to keep this secret.

“We’ll be okay,” I tell him and he nods, beginning to look slightly happier. “We’ll speak to your social worker when we drop you off Elodie.” 

“Anyway,” The expression on Dan’s face changes and I know he is trying not to let Elodie see how he’s really feeling, and he grabs his cup. “We’d better hurry up or we’ll miss this boat trip.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter and I'd really appreciate it if you left kudos or a comment.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed and please consider leaving kudos or commenting as it would mean so much to me.


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